


All Thy Heart

by Jen Hall (Greenlady)



Series: All Thy Heart [1]
Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-27
Updated: 2010-09-27
Packaged: 2017-10-12 05:57:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/121567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greenlady/pseuds/Jen%20Hall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hutch realizes he's fallen in love with Starsky.</p><p> </p><p>Note: The poem 'Now Sleeps the Crimson Petal' by Tennyson, was set to music by Benjamin Britten as part of his Serenade for Tenor, Horn and Strings. It was left out of the final version, and forgotten until the late 1980s, when it was discovered, and finally recorded. It has been speculated that one possible reason the song was abandoned, was that it would have been too revealing of Britten's feelings for his partner, and lover, Peter Pears, for whom the song was written.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Thy Heart

***************************************  
The firefly wakens; waken thou with me.... Now lies the Earth all Danae to the stars, And all thy heart lies open unto me.

\-- 'Now Sleeps the Crimson Petal', Tennyson.  
***************************************

'I should go,' said Hutch. He shifted vaguely toward the door, looking neither there, nor at Starsky. Looking at the floor.

'No. Stay the night. It's cold outside. Raining.'

'Not that bad. You're okay now, Starsk. You don't need me, any more. Must want some privacy, once in a while.'

'Privacy?' Starsky laughed. 'What for? I'm not up to any serious fooling around yet.' He edged closer to Hutch. Touched his shoulder. Caressed it. Hutch held very still, not breathing. 'I'm sorry, Hutch. I've been takin' up all your time lately, haven't I? You need some prettier company. Go find a nice girl, okay? I'm just bein' selfish.'

'A girl?'

Hutch stared at him, confused for a moment. A girl was the last thing on his mind, but he could hardly tell Starsky that. Starsky would want to know why, and he'd never let up until he got an answer. He'd call all the sexy stewardesses in his little black book. Set up an orgy to put things right, for God's sake.

'No, Starsk. I'm fine. Too tired tonight, to give a girl a good time. Maybe tomorrow. Just thought you'd be fed up with my company, by now.'

He checked Starsky over. Starsky was looking good. Better than last week. Way better than the week before. Hutch began to hope that he would recover completely from those four bullets; surprise everyone and get back to work as a cop. That was what Starsky wanted, so that was what Hutch wanted for him. It would be good to get back to normal, or something approximating it.

They'd worked out at the gym this evening. Starsky was still being careful, and Hutch watched his every move like a hawk, but he'd done well. Run on the treadmill, lifted a few weights, gone for a swim. Now, he was tired, but it was a good tiredness, Hutch could see that. He'd sleep well tonight, and wake up tomorrow feeling, and looking, better than today.

It was Hutch who was suffering, but that pain was entirely private, and habitual. It had no cure. None that Hutch had ever found.

'I never get fed up with your company, Babe. You know that,' said Starsky.

Hutch gave in. They made popcorn, and watched an old movie on TV. Starsky sat close to him on the couch, and it was sweet. When Hutch reached into the bowl for popcorn, his hand touched Starsky's as often as not.

You are pathetic, he thought to himself. Stealing these little pleasures from your partner, and hording them away. He's innocent. Innocent about your feelings for him anyway. You kept those feelings hidden for years, ever since you met him. Ever since you fell in love with him, you kept your feelings hidden behind a dark veil. But Gunther's bullets ripped that veil to shreds, didn't it?

Gunther's goons had shot holes in the body that Hutch loved, and the bullets had ripped into Hutch's chest even more ruthlessly than they had into Starsky's. Starsky's heart had survived. Hutch's was flayed open, and had not yet healed. Hutch doubted it ever would. He had to face the truth. He had hoped, just once before he died, that he could hold Starsky's naked body in his arms, and give him all his love.

'Come on, Hutch. Movie's over. Has been for ten minutes. Did ya like it?'

'Huh? Oh, yeah. Great movie.'

'Liar. It was lousy. I bet you can't tell me how it even ended, can you? Like you were off in another world, or somethin'. You really are tired, aren't ya? Come on. Let's go to bed.'

'Okay. I'll make up the couch.'

'The Hell you will. You need a decent night's sleep, for once. Look worse than I do. And that's sayin' somethin'.'

'Starsky. I am not making you sleep on your own couch. Don't talk nonsense.'

Starsky got to his feet, and looked down at Hutch, offended.

'Not. Sleeping with me. It's a big bed, Hutch. Get you some pajamas. There's some of yours here, I think.'

Starsky stomped off to find them, leaving Hutch sitting on the couch, shaking a little. This was too much tonight. He couldn't handle it. Not the sexual desire. That was easy. He'd been dealing with that for years. Just jerk off in the bathroom. But the soul-deep longing to reveal all his heart to the one he loved -- that was more difficult. It made his throat ache, holding back the words, the endearments, the vows, that would only embarrass Starsky. Cause him pain, even, because he would never be able to return them.

He put his head in his hands for a moment, and closed his eyes. Soon they would be in bed together, side by side, in the dark. And Starsky wasn't so ill that he wouldn't notice little things, like the fact that his bed partner wasn't sleeping, even though he claimed to be tired out.

'Hutch?'

'Hmm? Oh. Sorry, Starsky. Must have dozed off for a moment.'

'You okay, Babe? Maybe you're coming down with something.'

Hutch thought briefly of using that as an excuse to avoid sleeping beside his partner, but the truth was that he wanted that closeness too much. His body ached with the need for it.

'Nah. I'm fine. Just tired, like I said. I'll be in soon. Go to bed.'

'Okay. I'll warm up your side of the bed for ya.'

**************************

Hutch was asleep at last. He had lain on his back for a while, staring at the ceiling. Then he had spent some time tossing and turning. Starsky had sighed, dramatically. Hutch had settled down, turned over, facing away from Starsky, and finally gone to sleep.

Starsky edged a little closer to Hutch. Hutch slept on.

Hutch wanted that closeness, needed it, but shied away whenever it was offered. Oh, he accepted the occasional hug, or caress. But lately he hadn't allowed Starsky to be as physically affectionate as usual. The effects on them both, of all that deprivation, had been a revelation to Starsky.

Starsky shifted closer again, and finally achieved his goal. He spooned up behind Hutch, touching very lightly all along the big body.

Hutch shuddered, and nestled closer. Nice, thought Starsky. Much better. He stroked the fine, blond hair, and Hutch shivered in his arms. 'Starsk?'

'Shh. I'm here. 'S'okay.'

'Starsk. Can't tell you.'

'Yes. Tell me. It's okay.'

'Want.'

'Want what, Babe? It's Starsky. You can tell me.'

'No, can't tell you. Love.'

'Love? I can give you love.'

Starsky pressed closer, and felt Hutch's body straining towards his own, as if it couldn't possibly get close enough. Starsky ran his hands down Hutch's abdomen, cupped his hands around Hutch's cock. It was bulging against his pajama bottoms.

Ah. So he wasn't too tired for sex, after all. Starsky let his friend rock against his hand for a few moments.

Starsky couldn't get hard himself. The doctor had explained that all the medications, and the stresses his body had been under, were affecting his sexual responses, but that once he was off the dope, that would change. Starsky hoped that day would come soon. He had plans. Big plans. In the meantime, they could do this much.

Hutch moaned softly; moaned Starsky's name; moaned something about love again. That was promising. Starsky started to reach into Hutch's pajamas, but Hutch jerked awake. He moved away, a little, and turned to look at Starsky with shock, and horror.

'What? What're you doin'? Starsk?'

'Shh. It's okay, Hutch. Just givin' you what you want. What you need.'

'No, no. Starsky, don't. It's okay. You don't have to....'

'Don't lie to me, Hutch. You was tellin' the truth there, in your sleep. Come on, darlin'. Roll over on your back. There. I'm not very experienced at this. Not lately anyway. Been a while since I gave a guy a blow job. Back in my army days. Let's see if it's like ridin' a bicycle, huh?'

'Starsky? Starsky!'

Hutch was half sitting up now, looking down at Starsky wildly. Watching as Starsky slid down his body, pulling Hutch's pajamas down to expose his erection.

'Wow, Hutch! Pretty massive.'

Hutch's cock was very hard and erect now. Starsky took the head into his mouth, and wrapped both hands around the base. He began to suck.

This was best, he thought. Screw the foreplay. Don't give him a chance to think. He looked up at Hutch, who was obviously way past thinking. Even in the dim light of the bedroom, Starsky could see that his eyes were wild, that he was close to coming. He sucked harder.

Hutch rocked his hips, thrusting his cock up into Starsky's mouth. He looked lost, as if he didn't know where he was.

You're in my mouth, thought Starsky. Where you belong. He felt Hutch's cock swell even larger, as if filling its home to overflowing.

'Starsk. Starsk. Starsk,' Hutch said, over and over.

Starsky hummed, approvingly. Hutch suddenly gripped his head, gently, held it still, and came, into Starsky's mouth, crying Starsky's name, one last time.

Hutch let his head sink down, over Starsky's. Starsky could feel the tears falling, falling.

'Oh, Babe. It's okay. Shh. Everything's okay.' He pulled Hutch into his arms, got them both settled back onto the pillows. Rocked Hutch in his arms.

'You okay, Starsk? I didn't hurt you, did I?'

'Hurt me? No. How could you hurt me. I'm fine.'

'Starsk... Starsky, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry.'

'Sorry about what? Didn't ya like it? I told you, I'm out of practice, but I'm not that bad, am I?'

'Huh? No, no. It was... Starsky, I wanted it so bad. But I used you. You're not even completely well yet, and....'

'I liked doing it, Hutch. I can't get mine up yet, but soon. Then we'll do more. This felt good, though. Takin' care of you. Made me feel like a man. I thought I needed a woman for that, but I was wrong. This wasn't like in the army. I don't want to wipe this from my mind, Hutch. Do you?'

'No. Never want to forget. Thanks, Starsky.'

'You're welcome. You get all you need?'

'Yes. Yes, more than enough.'

'Liar.'

'Hmm?'

'You aren't half done. You think I'm some sorta cock tease? You think this was some sorta one time thing?'

'I wasn't thinking anything, Starsky. You took me by surprise.'

'Yeah, and I worked you up good, didn't I?'

Starsky put his fingers in Hutch's mouth. They were sticky with Hutch's own semen. Hutch sucked on them, hungrily.

'Yes,' said Starsky. 'What've you been doing, lately? Holding yourself away from me. Why didn't you come to me, tell me what was in that empty head of yours?'

'I was afraid.'

'That was stupid.'

Hutch looked into his friend's heart. His lover's heart. He saw the truth. He pulled Starsky close, so that their wounds would close together, and they could be as one.

*** The End ***


End file.
